Mirror Cycle

                            By:

                         Fox Cutter

    Chapter 5

To say that I was stunned would be an understatement of the
largest order. In all the time I had known Kalie, I had
never seen her cry before, or even show signs of being sad.
So to see her rush away in tears was such a shock I had to
stand there for a moment to actually believe that it had
happened.

Oria had the same look on her face, her mouth hanging
slightly open, and her ears twisted sideways in surprise.
She seemed to recover first, turning to look back at me.
"What happened?" she asked in a hushed tone. "Whatever could
cause Kalie to react like that?" she asked again.

I shook my head. "I don't know," I answered her as honestly
as I could. "I knew there was something going on, but
nothing like this. Kalie... she's alsways been a rock;
I've... I was counting on that."

"I saw the same things," she answered, wrapping her arms
around the twins, holding them a bit closer, nuzzling their
cheeks as she did so.

I sighed, looking back down the hall where she had gone. "I
was waiting for her to tell me about it. I didn't want to
pry into her personal life."

"It's time to start prying," she said, her voice becoming
stronger, much more commanding. "You need to go talk to her
now. Find out what's wrong, and if we can do anything to
help her."

"Are you sure?" I asked, biting at my lip. "It was my
request that she reacted so strongly to. My going to talk to
her might cause more harm than good."

She nodded, "I understand that. Now go!" This time it was an
order, which was accompanied by a wave of her paw. "If it's
going to get worse, it will no matter if you're involved or
not. Just go and talk to her. Remember, you're her friend,
she knows you better than anyone else here, and the opposite
holds true as well."

I smiled slightly, nodding my head. "Yes ma'am, I'll get
right to it." I was tempted to respond with a salute, but
decided not to.

Then I turned away, and started walking down the hallway
after Kalie. I wasn't sure where she had gone, but her room
was in that general direction. It seemed to be the logical
place to check first.

Come to think of it, the fact that she insisted on staying
in the back corner of the house, so far away from everyone
else, might have been an indication that there was a
problem. Then again, she had always liked to be isolated
from other people. I knew that, that's why it hadn't seemed
suspicious when she took it.

I wondered for a short time if I should call Ken as well.
He, Kalie and I had been a team for a while. She only stayed
with us about three months, but in that time we had some
great fun. We were all close to each other, but I was the
only one here. If I needed to, I would call Ken, but for
now, I just had to press on.

Walking slowly, I gave myself time to think as I approached
her room. I didn't have a clue how to handle this properly.
What to say, what to do, how to approach her. It was all a
mystery to me. Assuming in the first place that she would
even talk to me, I couldn't just go in, pat her on the back,
and say everything is fine. That wouldn't do anything except
patronize her, and her problems. Not to mention make her
madder at me as well.

I chewed at my lip again, pondering this as I finally came
to her closed door. Even taking my time I couldn't come up
with an idea of what to do, I didn't have any options other
than to fake it. I didn't even know if she was inside or
not, and if she wasn't, where else she could be.

After a few moments I decided to just go in and talk to her.
I'd let her lead the conversation, and tell me what was
going on. So, taking a deep breath, I grasped the door
handle, and pushed it open. When there was a foot of free
space, I looked into the room.

Right away my ears perked up, Kalie was there all right,
standing on the far side of her bed, her arms on the window
sill, and her head on them. She was still sobbing, each one
hard enough that her body shook.

The room itself was nearly empty, the walls stark white. The
single window was on the wall opposit the door. There was a
dressed on the far wall, and the bed, with its head against
one wall, reached out into the room stretchnig between us
like a low wall, or a fence.

Rapping my knuckles lightly on the door frame, I spoke up.
"May I come in?"

No answer, she just seemed to slump down over herself
slightly.

Opening the door the rest of the way, I stepped inside the
room. Slowly I walked around the bed, moving so as not to
worry her. Without saying a word, I settled myself down on
the bed just behind her so that her back was to me. The
springs of the bed creaked softly as they took my weight.

Still not a word was spoken. We both stayed in the same
position. Some times she shifted her tail back and forth,
but I couldn't tell what, if any, expression it was
conveying. Sometimes that's hard to do with a thick tail,
like on otters, skunks, or kangaroos. They don't have the
same flexibility as thin tails do.

"I'm sorry," she finally said, lifting her face from her
arms. The smooth fur on her head caught the light for just a
second, creating a halo effect. It lasted for only a moment,
then was gone.

Her voice sounded wrong, like she was trying to put more
strength in it than was really there, and was failing. There
was also a soft quality to it as well, almost childlike. It
worried me a great deal.

"You have nothing to be sorry about," I answered in a soft
tone of voice.

"Oh, Fox," she said, her voice breaking as she did so. "I've
let you down." She gasped softly, starting to sob again. She
was trying to hold herself back, but didn't seem to quite be
able to manage it. "You ask me to help you, and I fall to
pieces in your lap. I'm sorry, you shouldn't have to see me
like this. I just shouldn't have come here."

I shook my head, even though I knew she couldn't see it.
"Kalie, you don't need to apologize to me. It is not
necessary. We're friends. I am your friend, and I care about
you."

She raised her head a bit higher, tail sweeping in a long
slow arc, from one side to the other, along the floor. She
reached up with one paw, wiping at her face with the back of
it.

There was a part of me that wanted to reach out to her, to
wrap myself about her, and hold her to me. I resisted it for
the moment; she was preparing herself to do something, and I
thought stopping her would cause more problems than before.

"How long have we know each other?" ahe asked, her voice a
bit more steady, stronger as well.

I blew air through my teeth as I thought about it. "Five
years, maybe six. Most of it seemed to make some kind of
sense at the time."

"In all that time I've never allowed you to get to close to
me," she explained, with perhaps a touch of regret creeping
into her voice. "All you know about me is what I've shown
you, and I haven't shown you very much at all."

Flicking my tail, I let that statement filter down through
my mind. She had always been protective of herself, it just
never had occurred to me that her protection had gone so far
as to keep people from getting close to her.

"I never told you why I joined the army," she continued, not
paying attention to my lack of response. "I've never told
anyone before. I didn't have a happy childhood, I came from
a broken home. My mother ran off when I was five, and my
father spent most of the time drunk. The day I turned
fifteen, the day I was old enough, I ran away. The army
promised to remake you into a better person, a different
person."

She shook her head slightly, "I didn't want to be me
anymore; being made into someone else was an attractive
idea. So after a few months on the street I got enough money
to enlist.

"Once I was in, once I was away from my life as it was
before, I dedicated everything to the army, but  I couldn't
walk away from the anger at my family. So I focused it,
honing it into a razor's edge. That's how I got into the
special forces. I had the right kind of drive, and the right
kind of," she stopped, taking in a deep breath and wiping
her face again. "The right kind of disregard for my own life
that made me perfect for 'rapid recon'.

"There was nothing that I wouldn't do. Darkest desert,
deepest jungle, edge of the fucking world, there was no
place that I wouldn't go into it. I had started to worry my
commanding officer. Yes, I was getting in and out with
everything they needed, but they couldn't send anyone with
me. No one else would take the same risks I would, nor
woukld they so needlessly risk their life in the process. I
would, it was only by shesr luck I always survived, and I
enjoyed being in the inch of space between my life and
death.

"Then I met you," a whimsical tone crept into her voice, and
she straightened up slightly. "I met you and Ken, and then
nothing was the same for me anymore. The three of us would
tear around the multi-verse, righting wrongs, doing good,
and trying to be heroes. I didn't care that I was AWOL for
three months, I felt good.

"Something inside me changed in that time, it wasn't a big
change, but it grew as time when on. When I went back home,
my commanders nearly skinned me for being gone. I was
knocked down three ranks, and it took me a long time to gain
them back. I was still doing recon though, but differently;
I started being careful, avoiding the edge of my teeth
escapes and the death defying stuff I used to do.

"Then the war toned down, we signed a few treaties, and the
fighting stopped in a lot of places. It wasn't peace, it
wasn't the end of the war, but it was an open time. It also
meant that I wasn't necessarily needed anymore."

She dropped her paws to her side, standing up a bit taller,
but her voice was weaker then just a moment ago. "So, it was
suggested to me that it would be a good time for me to take
some leave time. As long as I wanted. I was discarded,
almost retired, and away from the army.

"That was when, out of the blue, Ken showed up at my front
door. He gave a strange story about how you had sent him to
me. I didn't even know you were keeping track anymore. He
told me he was on the run, and soon enough, that Mason
fellow, the lion, showed up as well, to keep an eye on Ken.

"Then, once that little adventure was over, I stuck with you
for a while longer. We had a few adventures, it was great
fun. You weren't a kid anymore, Ken had mastered his magic,
and, however changed, the three of us were back together
again.

"One day, back home, a General showed up at my door and told
me I was off leave. The war was getting heavy again, and
they needed my 'skills' at recon. I went gladly; as much as
I loved being with you, the army was my life."

She had started to sob again, more softly this tim. She was
trying to hide it from me, but I could see it. She tried to
compose herself, resting her paws back on the window sill as
she did so.

"I wasn't the same anymore," she continued after a few more
moments. "I cared about my life now. I wasn't willing to
take the same risks, and didn't do my job as well as my
commander thought I should. Then on one mission, things went
badly wrong."

I finally stood up, walking over to her, and placing a paw
on her shoulder. She turned to look at me, her eyes red, her
cheeks matted down with tears. Reaching up with one paw, she
set it on mine. "What happened?" I asked, finding that my
mouth was dry.

"Something stupid," her tone slipped into a bit of anger,
aimed right at herself. "I was being too cautious and nearly
got myself killed. I managed to escape with only a busted up
leg, and some how made it back into our land, but that was
all I could do."

She locked her eyes with mine, they were emotionless. "I was
brought to the hospital, and they fixed my leg up, good as
new. Just hurt like hell all the time. It was healing, and
would be fine in a month, but the pain was almost
overwhelming.

"The doctors gave me some pain pills, they were quite
powerful, and I was only suppose to take one a day. They
only worked a little bit on me. So like a fool, instead of
telling the doctors about this, I just started to take two
pills. When that didn't work any longer, I took three, then
four."

I nodded, biting at my lip again. This sounded bad.

"I continued taking them after my bones healed, but ran out.
The pain was still there, but not in my bones, it went so
much deeper than that. So, just like a good daughter, I
started to follow in my father's footsteps. I started to
drink."

There was something missing there. Something that she wasn't
saying. There was more to this than a blown mission and
broken bones. I squeezed her shoulder gently with my paw,
letting her know I was still there.

"I wasn't a bad drunk," she said with a sigh. "You remember
how I used to drink. A little here, a little there, not a
lot, not all at once, but I loved to drink. I just started
there, but a little here and there became a little each
night, then a little more each night. One glass became two,
two became three, three became ten. Soon I was drinking a
lot each night, and morning, and any other time I could
drink."

"Soon, I got to the point where I was eithr drunk, or I was
getting drunk. The few times I was sober, I was miserable,
all the pain came back. The problem was, the pain was always
coming back, so I had to drink more.

"I lived like this for months, and during it all, I was
still doing my job. For a while I had deluded myself into,
believing that my drinking was making me better at my job. I
was back to living on the edge, risking my life to get all I
could. I just wasn't as good as it at I was before, and the
thrill of it was feeding the pain, making me drink even
more."

She pulled her paw off mine, and wrapped her arm around my
back. I put mine around her shoulder, and she started to
slump down in my arms.

"Then things went too far," she continued, sobbing more, and
not trying to stop it. "I got so drunk, I passed out while I
was on a mission. I was found the next day, still drunk and
only a mile from camp. I hadn't even crossed the enemy line
yet. It was too late though, when I hadn't reported in, they
decided to try the mission without my recon. A full squad
was lost.

"It was my fault," she whimpered, shaking her head back and
forth. "My fault, if I hadn't been so shit-faced drunk it
would never have happened. Those men would still be alive."

I didn't say a word. There was nothing I could say. Or
rather, anything I could say would be trite, and insulting
to her pain. I also suspected there was nothing else I could
say that she hadn't already heard, either from herself, or
from others.

"Command saw it that way as well. My drunkenness, so far,
had only gotten me a few reprimands, it hadn't gotten in the
way before, and I was damn good at my job. Now, it was too
late to do anything about it. I was court-marshaled and
dishonorably dischared a few weeks later. I was lucky enough
not to get jail time, but I had lost everything I used to
define myself. I was ungrounded, set adrift.

"I landed right back into the bottle. Back home, I was right
back to drinking, no longer hiding it from even myself. I
just drank, trying to drive away the pain, the anger, the
hurt. I drank through my savings, I drank through my
friends, I drank through everything I owned. Then, one day,
I came home to find that I had lost that as well.

"I only had a little bit of money with me, and I was ready
to spend that on a last few drinks. I'm not sure what
happened then; for maybe a second, I was thinking clearly. I
remembered what it was like to live on the street, how cold
and miserable it was. I decided that I had to get out of
there, get away from everything. I broke into my apartment,
got my portal controller. Then I," she paused here, dropping
her head to her chest. "I robbed a few places. Got enough
cash to get a cheap hotel so I could take a shower, get
clean. Then, still hung over, I came here.

"I threw the controller away, then went right to you. I was
going to tell you everything, all of it, not leaving
anything out. When I found you had moved, I just lost the
will to do so. Upon finding you again, I saw how much things
had changed with you. The curse, and being with Oriana,
and..." she broke down into tears again; she had been trying
to fight them back, but no longer could.

Turning, she fell into my arms. I held her close, in a tight
hug as she buried her face into my chest. There was nothing
else I could thing of to do. Holding her felt like the right
thing; at this moment, she needed more than kind words. So I
held her, letting her cry.

Nothing more was said for a long time. We did move to the
bed at some point, but that just let me hold her closer to
me. Kalie eventually stopped crying, but didn't pull away
from me. I continued to hold her, some times petting the fur
on the back of her neck, other times just keeping her close.

I didn't know what do do next, but I also needed her help.
It felt so selfish to be asking her to help me in a time
like this. She was in no condition to be do anything, let
alone something I was forcing her into.

This was an impasse, she was in no condition to do what I
needed of her, and I couldn't think of anyone else with the
capability to do what I needed done. Now was not the time to
bring it up, that I understood, and I would have to find
someone else to do the job, that was clear.

After perhaps an hour had passed, Kalie pulled herself away
from me. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen. The fur on her
cheeks matted down by the constant flow of tears. The look
about her had changed just slightly. It was as if some
weight had been lifted from her by her confession.

"Perhaps we should talk to Oria," I suggested, still keeping
one paw on her back. "Her religion has some things that
could help you." I couldn't believe I had just said that!
Recommending religion to help a friend. I guess we all do
change in time, and maybe it would help her.

She nodded her head. "I'll talk to her," she told me, her
voice hoarse from crying. She tried to clear it, but didn't
seem to succeed.

I ran my paw over the back of her neck, as we both sat
there, neither of us saying a word. I was going to wait for
her to speak before I said anything at all.

"What did you need my help for?" she suddenly asked, her
voice sounding a bit clearer.

I shook my head. "Don't worry about it. Now's not the time."

"When will be the time?" she asked, brushing at her matted
fur. "I've been dreading your asking me for help since I
found out what happened this morning. I've been dreading it
since I came here in the first place. I'm dreading it now,
but I've poured my heart out into your lap; I hope you can
understand that I need to do this."

"No." I flatly said, "If you're doing this to try and prove
yourself to me," I shook my head, "I won't ask you to do
something like that."

"I don't know what I'm doing," she responded, crossing her
chest with one arm, resting the paw on her shoulder. The
other paw sat in her lap. "But I do need to do this. To help
you right now when you need me."

I took my paw from the back of her neck, setting it down on
her leg. "You don't need to do anything. If you're sure you
can handle this, I will let you do so. You did come here for
a reason."

She sighed, "I came here because I needed to grab onto
something before my life slipped between my fingers. I was
barely able to manage to do that. For the last few months
I've been holding on for dear life."

Placing her free paw on her chest, she glanced at me. "The
pain is still there. It runs deep, almost into my soul, and
it's not going to just go away. Not without my doing
something about it. I haven't felt whole for so long, first
descending into pity, then wallowing in it. I've been
holding myself from sinking deeper into it, now it's time to
start to pull myself out."

I reached up, taking the paw against her chest, and pulling
it into my paws. "I can understand what's going on. I've
found myself shattered before, but nothing like this. I need
you in top form, the best you can be. Are you sure you're up
to doing this?"

She laughed, sounding just a bit like her normal self once
more. "If I wasn't sure, I wouldn't be trying so hard to
fight off tears. I will do my best, and do it as well as I
can. So please, tell me what you want me to do."

I gave her a quick summary of what I was going to need her
to do. With me on Cain's base, she would be responsible for
leading the attack. She would also be manning the gunner
chair on _The Falcon_ and would have to work with Milgrove,
whom she had never even meet before.

We slowly hashed out the plans for the mission; what she
would do, and how she would command the three other ships.
It was a small fleet, but when that's all you have, it's all
you have.

She seemed confident, strong, almost her old self again. But
there was still a hint of strain in her eyes. She was going
to try her hardest on this mission, but I suspected she
wasn't sure of her own judgment.

I was, and for now that was enough.

   To Be Continued...

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This story is copyright 2000 by Fox Cutter, hardcopy
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reserved. This story may not be distributed for a fee except
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