Introspections

                            By:

                         Fox Cutter

11/25/97:

"Funny, you don't seem the father type," Sora commented as I
walked past her, my arms loaded down with a pair of large
boxes.

"No, I'm not, not really." I responded, working my way down
the stairs with the boxes, setting them on the floor next to
the half a dozen others.

She bent over the railing and looked down at me. "Then why
are you doing this?"

I sighed, walking up the steps, past her and into the
kitchen. I sat down at the table and looked out the slider
and onto the lake.

"That's not an answer." she continued, stopping behind me.

I ran my fingers through my hair. "I'm doing it because I
have to."

She scoffed. "How? Is the Council making you adopt this
girl."

I shook my head. "No, this is of my own free will, kind of."

Letting out an exasperated sigh, she walked around to the
far side of the table and looking me right into the eyes,
fanning her wings out slightly. "Explain what you mean by
'kind of'."

"According to Ken, part of the magic that keep her alive
also made it so who ever she saw first would... well... be
compelled to take care of her."

Sora rolled her eyes back. "So you're compelled then? Why
not just have Ken remove the spell?"

I frowned, chewing on my lip gently. "Because, I don't want
him to." She started to make some comment, but cut her off.
"No, hear me out at least. There's something about even just
the idea of raising her. It gives me _something_ to hold
onto."

She pulled her wings in tight. "Hold onto?" She said, her
voice laced with sarcasm.

I closed my eyes. "Sora, for the last two weeks I've been
sleeping. Not well, not good, but actual sleep, two hours or
so a night."

She frowned, letting that fact sink in. Sora was the only
person who had even the slightest understanding of what I
have gone thorough with the lose of my world. Even if I can
visit every few months, I really can't go home. She was
different in that respect though, some how we could find a
way to let her go home. That was one of the few other things
I really had to hold onto, letting her do what I couldn't,
go home.

I stood up. "I see you understand."

Sora nodded, "Yes... I do. If you're sleeping though, why
are you giving her your room. Where are you going to sleep?"

I shrugged. "On the couch I guess." Sora had been nice
enough to let us use the room, which really now was hers by
rights of use. She was quite happy to move into the cave
under the house though, and sleep on the gym mats that no
one ever used for anything else. Said they gave her room to
stretch her wings.

Not giving her a chance to response, I started down the
stairs and grabbed my jacket. "I'll be back later."

"Going to see her?" Sora asked in a quiet voice.

I shook my head, shrugging the jacket on. "No... I'm going
for a walk." That was my only explanation as I stepped out
of the house and through the t-curtain.

Personally, I was starting to worry about Sora. She
desperately wanted to go back to her world, and couldn't,
the cost to her self was far to high. So she would stay
here, on Prid, with me and suffer under a weight of
something she wouldn't talk about. What ever it was though,
I could tell when she though about it, her eyes would go
pale, and her wings would hang limp.

Being with Jadith helped her in some fashion, I guess the
Elf was her only real friend here on Prid. The two of them
really did make a good team and I expect that they would end
up being partners some time down the road.

Oh well... so much the better I guess. Still though, I felt
that I needed to get her home, even if it was just for her
to leave again. That's part of the reason why the _Falcon_
was built the way it was. I had some things I needed to
check out.

First I had to find a pilot for it. I had asked Malia if she
would do it, but she turned it down, didn't like being in
space very much. It was a phobia really, some people
couldn't handed how vastly large and empty space really was.
Call it agoraphobia on a grand scale.

In truth, I really didn't know anyone else to ask. Sora and
Ken were both to large for the cockpit, I couldn't ask
Rachel for obvious reasons and I didn't know anyone else who
I though could do the job.

Stuffing my hands into my pockets I walked out of the Marble
Hall and into the city surrounding it. Turning as I exited,
I walked into the massive park that was above the hall,
trudging through the grass and contemplating my feet.

I really didn't know what to do, I was nervous actually and
a bit scared. Naomi, the young skunkett I was adopting, was
going to be let out of the hospital in a few hours. I really
wasn't sure how well I could raise her, I was going to try
though.

She gave me something not just to hold onto, but really, to
live for. After losing Earth I've been wondering so
aimlessly around. I didn't have any direction in life. Hell
walking the folds started as something to do to keep my mind
off of Earth!

It was not meant as a life, not meant as something that
every thing I did was a part of. Not fixing political
problems, not playing the damn action hero, not losing my
hand, or even my friends.

And not having the destruction of a world on my head. I
might have been cleared of destroying Catarn but still, if I
had... no we... Becky and I. If we had not gone there the
HammerHeads would never had felt the need to destroy it.

I knew on some level that I really wasn't to blame, but it
fit so well with the rest of my guilt and hatred. I am not a
nice person, I've never have been. I've faked it well enough
over the years, but it's been just that, faking it.

Somewhere, back when I first started doing all of this, it
had moved from a game into a life. People started to take me
seriously as some kind of great meddler. I was to happy to
let them think that, and I guess I did help a lot of people,
but in the end... In the end to many people have died to
just pass it off as a game, or a toy, or anything else. This
was my life, like it or not I was going to spend it living
on Prid, helping the council, wishing I could find who ever
keeps letting me know that if I go home to stay, Earth is
toast.

So I had to go on, I always went on, surviving. Maybe that
was my curse, to live while those around me died. A regular
Nathan Brazil, without the godlike powers.

I stopped and looking up at the pail blue sky. What kind of
father could I try and be to Naomi if I hated myself so? The
answer was clear really, to hide it as I always did. Very
deep and _very_ far away.

Sitting down against a tree I started to wish I had brought
some lunch along, or something to chew on.

As I looked around for a fruit tree someone spoke up. "Hello
Fox," About three feet behind me.

I twisted around, and found that Milgrove was standing a few
feet away from me. Her paws on her hips, panting a bit with
beads of sweet showing on her fur. Her clothing was small
and tight... tight enough to show very clearly that she
wasn't just a lady, but a hermaphrodite.

Sie smiled at the look on my face. "Didn't know?"

I shook my head. "Page never mentioned it."

Mil frowned slightly. "Yes, I guess so."

Shaking my head I smiled slightly. "So, what are you doing
out here?"

Spreading hir arms wide sie stretched hir wings. "Flying,
why are you here?"

I shrugged, "I just needed to get away from home. Everything
really is set up for Naomi, the only other thing I can do
now is make a mess."

Sie nodded, dropping hir arms to rest at hir side. "Ah," sie
said, then paused for a second. "Fox, how much do you really
know about Page?"

I though for a few seconds. "Not very much. Anything you
think I should know."

"Yes, many things."

I looked at hir. "Going to volunteer any?"

Sie shook hir head. "Not now, no. Believe me though, you
should start looking into her past, find out as much as you
can."

I rubbed my chin. "I guess I will then."

Sie smiled slightly and walked away. Gone before I could
even react. Suddenly I though of something. "Mil wait!" I
called out.

Just as quickly sie was back again. "Fox, I really can't
tell you anything."

I shook my head. "No, something else. Ever fly a ship?"

Sie was caught a bit off guard. "No... never."

"Would you be willing to learn? I need someone to fly the
_Falcon_ and I think you would be perfect."

Sie gave a soft laugh. "Fox, I fly myself, not ships."

"Exactly, you already fly. The hardest thing to train a
pilot is to think in three dimensions. You've already got
that, you really just need to learn how to use a different
set of controls."

"Why not ask--" sie started.

"Everyone else I can think of has good reason's not to." I
explained before sie could finishing hir objection.

Letting out a small sigh sie nodded. "I think about it
then."

I smiled. "Thank you."

Sie returned my smile and left again, just as quick as
before.

Stretching my arms a bit I headed back towards home, at
least I had one problem solved, I hoped. Which was one more
then yesterday. It really was the best way I knew to live
from day to day.

I was happy.

-----

This story is (c) 1997 by Fox Cutter, hardcopy reprints
limited to one a person, all other rights reserved. This
story may not be distributed for a fee except by permission
of the author, and this copyright notice may not be removed.
'Milgrove' is (C) 1997 by J. 'Packrat' McCoy, and is used
with permission.